Hi everyone,

*Just a trigger warning before we begin, in this post I talk about when I was suffering badly from my eating disorder and the relationship I had with food during this time. So if that sound a little icky to you, you might be best to sit this one out.*

So, I know I am way behind the ball with this, but hear me out.

I had never tasted a Sumo Salad until a few weeks ago.

I know, I know - it's not exactly new but I don't eat out and on the run much and if I do, it's almost never a salad. Why would I get a salad when I could get a delicious burger and/or chips! Anybody that knows me will know of my love for hot chips and because of such, why would I pass up the opportunity to have chips for something like a salad! I can have salads at home.

Anyway, the point is that I have had one (and many others since) and I loved it.

Source

After having this lovely salad, I did think that honestly, I probably could make something like this at home - thereby saving me money and giving me the option to customise my salads as I wished (and have them more often). Which also sounded like great idea because while I like salads, I never know how to make them more substantial than the basics (lettuce, tomato, cucumber and stuff). So I jumped onto the internet to see what I could find.

To be honest - I was quite surprised at what I found. First off, there were no recipes for 'My Take On X Salad by Sumo Salad' (which definitely was surprisingly), but more to the point, I was surprised about what else I found. I came across so many blog posts on how bad Sumo Salad was and how everyone thinks they are eating healthy by choosing that option but really it's a terrible choice and everyone should be much more conscientious and discerning when it comes to food choices and never eat fast food of any kind.

Posts like that really annoy me. There was a time in which I would have been their biggest advocate but thankfully, those times are behind me and now they just make me really angry. First and foremost, I feel they come across very judgy and patronising to those who choose to eat these foods. I get the feeling that the authors of these articles believe that people only eat food like this because they don't know all the facts and how bad they really are. I don't like that. I don't they give the general public enough credit in food knowledge. No, the average person probably does not know the optimum grams of fat, carbohydrates, sugars and protein they should be eating everyday and no, they probably don't know how much of those are in an average Sumo Salad, or burger, or medium fries from MacDonalds. But also, who cares? It's just a salad. Or a burger. Or icecream.

Don't get me wrong, I do agree that we probably should be thinking a little about where our food is coming from and how long it's been sitting there, and making sure we are getting the proper nutrients, but again, it's just a salad. It's probably not something we have everyday and it's delicious.

I feel like that word right there is pretty important. Delicious. Tasty. Yummy. We eat this food because we want to. This is food that calls to us as we walk by it. This is food that we might buy on a whim, just because we're a bit peckish. This is food we might plan to buy for lunch, either by ourselves or with a friend. It's nice food. And it nourishes us. It gives us energy, happiness and joy.

How To Survive The Family Christmas

Hi there everyone!

So, I'm sorry that this post is later than I would have liked, but I went away last weekend and my grandparents arrived from New Zealand and then last week was pretty jam-packed due to it being the last week of school and work and my sister was graduating (from primary school) and then a bunch of relatives arrived on Saturday (also from New Zealand) and it's been a little full on. And so while I'm disappointed about me falling behind a little on my schedule I think it's been justified (unlike some of my absences).

Anyway, all this talk leads me onto the subject of this post - tips to survive the mad rush of the holidays and relatives and family stuff.

While it can be great to have family around, especially over the Christmas and holiday period and especially if you don't get to see them very often but it can certainly become very stressful, very quickly. To be frank, I am really quite glad I only have to go through this every couple of years or so due to the fact that we live in a different country to the rest of the family. But here are my suggestions to help ensure the smoothest, bestest, least-stressful family occasion you can. I think most of them are pretty common sense, but I think it's good to be reminded of them every once in a while!

Avoid Controversial Topics
As boring as it may be to stick to boring, safe topics, please remember that they are safe for a reason. Talk about uni, talk about school, talk about work, talk about the weather, stick to the safe topics. Don't talk about things like whether banning women from wearing burqas in public in Australia is a good idea or not. Equally, if you have elderly or rather conservative relatives, maybe staying away from topics like tattoos and body piercings would also be a good idea. You know, just from personal experience.

Emotional Hangovers: How to Survive and Prevent Them

I came across the term 'emotional hangover' a couple of months ago and I could not believe how apt this description was. I have long known that the morning after an emotional breakdown are terrible, terrible things, but had no clue how to explain this concept to someone that has never experienced one.

In case you don't know, emotional hangovers are what you get when you have a pretty rough, emotion-filled night and the morning after is a horrific ball of pain, fuzzy eyes, foggy heads and sore everything.

For the longest time, I thought all this was something that only happened to me, but then one of my friends mentioned that they always felt the same way and then I came across it happening in a book and it was great! Well, great in the fact that I wasn't the only one that felt like shit the next morning as well as the night before, not that lots of other were going through some shitty times themselves.

The reasons behind having an emotional hangover are varied and mostly depend on individual people. Maybe you were particularly upset the night before. Maybe you'd been around people for a long time (parties, celebrations etc) and suddenly found yourself all alone. Maybe you had just been feeling rather lonely the previous evening. There are so many different things that could contribute to having an emotional hangover. While the first can take you by surprise, after a couple you begin to notice a pattern, whether it be in symptoms or triggers and knowing these can help you to better survive and prevent the next ones. Personally, I only really suffer them after an night of heavy crying (actually sobbing would probably be a more apt description here) and general self-loathing and hopelessness, but then that's just me.

Anyway, after experiencing a particularly vicious one a couple of weeks ago, I thought I would put together a little list of tips and advice on how to get through them and how to prevent them from happening quite as badly the next time.

Coping by Dissolving

Hi everyone!

Today's post is going to be a little rambly and meandering and not have that much of a point to it. It's basically going to be a little insight into a bit of my life and if that's not really your cup of tea, then I understand and I will not hold a grudge if you don't want to read this one. But, if you do, then grab yourself a nice warm beverage and settle down for a while. :)

Did you know, that for someone that loves reading as much as I do, I don't actually do that much of it.

It's not because I don't have the time and it's not like I don't have any books to read. On average, I probably have about 5-6 unread books on my shelf at all times. Books that I bought because I really wanted to read them. And I don't buy books on a whim - I don't have the space to do that. If I buy a book, it's because I am absolutely, very sure I'm going to love it, because I have others from the same series and I feel the need to own the complete set or because it was only $2. Actually, it's because of that last reason that I ended up with a book called Murder, Mystery and Mayhem: Details of Hollywood's Most Gruesome Murders (what can I say? I'm a fan of murder mysteries and mysteries in general and it was only $2!).

But I'm getting off track.

I used to read a lot. Like, a lot. In primary school I had a deal with the school librarian. We were technically only allowed to borrow two books per week, but she let me take out four. And generally, I'd be back after two or three days to borrow more. That was all I used to do after school. I'd get home and I'd read. And read and read and read. We would also generally go to the public library once a month as well and I'd get out the maximum number of books there as well, which I think was about twelve. I'd generally read them all within two weeks as well.

Then when I got into high school I read less. I still read, but I had less time.

Source

I'd probably call myself a compulsive reader. I read everything. I have to. If there is writing, I must read it. I read the back of cereal boxes, my sisters' homework, even the instructions that come with things that don't need instructions (like shampoo - who needs instructions on how to use shampoo??). I am one of those annoying people that reads over the shoulders of other people on the train. I have no clue what's going on, and they nearly always read too slowly and sometimes they hold the book so I can only see one page and sometimes I'm just starting to get into it when they get off and I'm left alone again, with no clue what the book was even called. It's all very aggravating. And yet, I still do it. I do it when I'm not alone either. I'll be trying to hold a conversation with a friend and yet my eyes will keep drifting over to the book of the person next to me. It always makes me lose my train of thought.

Resources for the Busty Woman and Tips for Everyone Who Wears a Bra | Part 3

Hello there everyone!

Today I'm going to be wrapping up my Bra series with Part 3. Here is how to find your perfect bra size and a guide to different bra styles (Part 1) and some tips for shopping and shops for the non-mainstream bra (Part 2).

In Part 3 I'm going to be discussing some tips that I have collected over the years in dealing with non-mainstream sized boobs

There will always be people that don't understand and belittle your plight
Always. I can't decide whether my least favourite is the 'Oh no, such a terrible ailment, you have big boobs, that's such a hardship' (super sarcastic voice) type or the 'yeah right, I don't believe you. I think you're lying - they don't even make bras in that size' type. Thankfully, these people are pretty easy to deal with. To be honest, your best bet is probably to just ignore them, because they are never going to understand and you're only going to get angry with them if you try. But, if you want to retort, here are some options.

From Busty Girl Comics

For the first type, you could always try something like 'Well, when you put it like that, I suppose they aren't such a problem. I mean, there is the neck and the shoulder pain and not being able to buy cheap bras or swimsuits. And the issue of halternecks giving me a headache. And not being able to wear strapless dresses. And the problem of being constantly sexualised, all the time. But nah, you're probably right. I guess they aren't a problem after all.'

Or something like 'Oops you got me. (sheepish smile) They aren't a problem at all. In fact, they are amazing at getting me whatever I want. I can use these to make the mankind succumb to my every whim and desire. The magazines are right - big boobs are better!!' (happy smile while boob jiggling for effect)

For the second type just shove your boobs in their face and yell 'Are they real now?! Do you still think I'm lying?!?!?!' In my experience, this has a 98% success rate of getting them to shut up and leave you alone. Or course, it may also lead to assault charges and possible murder charges on death by boob suffocation, depending on how big your chesticles are.

In Sickness and in Health

Hi there everyone!

So I got a little sick a while ago. It was nothing major, just a very mild stomach bug. In fact, it was so minor that I didn't even vomit, nor have to call in sick for work (although I did come home an hour early one day).  It was basically just 3-4 days of general stomach soreness and nausea. Just enough that I didn't feel like doing anything, thus missing out on an opportunity to do another Halloween nail design and spending a fair amount of time lying down and generally feeling a little grossed out by the thought of food.

In big scheme of things, it was legitimately nothing.

But it really threw me. It affected me much more than it should have. And not just because I really don't deal well with nausea. It really threw me mentally.

Over those 3-4 days, I had a very small breakfast on all of them and had a small lunch one day and a tiny dinner once or twice. Which, is totally normal when you are sick in the stomach and food just seems a little repulsive - it's not nice feeling.

However, those couple of days with very little food broke down a lot of firmly built mental walls in my mind. In case you didn't know, I've recently updated my little bio (it's on the right under my picture) and my Disordered Story page to change my 'recovering' status to one of 'remission'. And let me tell you - I felt great being able to do that. When I made that decision, I really felt like I'd made it. I hadn't had an disordered thought in months and I couldn't actually remember the last time I consciously restricted in any form, whether it by large amounts of exercise or reducing food intake.

But anyway, back to my Mental Barriers.

They were pretty strong and very firm. I was very separated from my eating disorder. I was a free woman.

Source

But then I was eating very small amounts of food for a couple of days. And once again, I'll reiterate - that was not a disordered action, it was due to a stomach bug. It was purely physical. But the effects were mental as well.

I started catching myself thinking how about how nice it was to not to have to be thinking about eating, about how much weight I could lose if I just ate a bit less and how I was silly to be eating more when obviously I could get away with eating less.

Spider-Web Halloween Nail Art AKA I'm Not Dead and Have Crawled Out of my Hole for Halloween

Hi everyone,

I've got some very average nail art for you today, but you know, it's better than what I had before (which was nothing).

It's also my first set of Halloween nails for this year! Yay! Last year I kind of forgot about it and had a very late and somewhat half-hearted contribution, but this year is different. I have started early and have some many designs to do. If fact, I have way too many ideas than I have reasonable opportunities to paint my nails but whatever, I'll think of something.

When I Complain About My Boobs, It's Not a Humble Brag

Hi lovelies,

I hope you are all having a good week. This post is something I've been sitting on for a while, a sort of half formed idea that took a long time to manifest into a coherent post and then has been sitting around on my computer for even longer before I decided to post it.

Why?

Because I feel that maybe it doesn't fit with my blog, but then, it is my blog and I can do what I like with it, can't I? And also because I don't know what people will think of it. Will it come out the way I want it to? But then, again, it is my blog and I can't pander to the whims and desires of everybody, if I did, I wouldn't be here typing this to you. I guess I just feel that this is an issue and struggle that I'm still working through at the moment, rather than one I feel like I've worked through and moved on a bit from (like my exercise series) and I don't want to hit a wrong nerve with anyone because I don't have that secondary, past perspective to tamper and soften some of my ideas.

But then again, it is my blog, and this post is as good as I'm gonna get it and when I started this blog, I made a promise that I was going to be honest. And this is me being honest. I hope you enjoy and if you do, if you could let me know via commenting that would be amazing and if you didn't like it, I'd still like to hear why (I think.....) and if you have your own experiences, I would especially love to hear them!!

So, let us start at the beginning of this saga, shall we?

I've always had big boobs. It's just part of who I am. To be honest, I can't actually remember what it was like to not have big boobs.

Source

Exercise Can Be Really Scary. No, Really. | Exercise Part 3

Hi lovelies,

Today I'm going to be wrapping up my series on exercise and I'm mostly going to be discussing my current thoughts on exercise and what/why (if any) I doing right now.

I'm really sorry that this is so late but it wasn't coming together and I kept working on it and it just wasn't working. But finally, finally, I got it done. :)

If you missed the first parts of this series, here's Part 1 and here's Part 2.

Okay, so onto exercise.

After my epitome about exercise and suddenly realising that continuing to exercise as I was was going to end up killing me, I gave up exercise and for the first 2-3 weeks, it was really, really hard. My anxiety skyrocketed and the amount of nervous energy I was expending felt like it tripled. Equally, it was incredibly hard to keep myself still. I would have to literally force myself to sit down and not walk and pace and move constantly in order to keep expending energy. It also didn't help that my mother was not 100% behind my decision to stop exercise all together. Obviously, she supported my decision to do so, but she is a firm believer in the 'exercise makes you happy and healthy' and I had spent an awful long time convincing her that exercise was something I did because it made me happy, not as a way to lose weight and she was pretty desperate to see me happy again. Also, she is fairly fatphobic and didn't want to see me recover in an 'unhealthy' way.

Source

But, despite all that, I stuck to it and continued to abstain from exercise. And, surprisingly, after about a month, all the anxiety just left. It obviously was not gone all together, but all the extra anxiety, the exercise-related anxiety I had been experiencing for so long, it all left. For a while then, I felt more at peace with exercise than I had in a long, long time.

What I Liked About July

Hi lovelies!

So we're at the end of another month and that means it's time for another round of my Monthly Favourites! Without further ado, here they are....

Source unknown

How To Train Your Dragon 2
Okay, technically this should have gone in the June Monthly Favourites, but it didn't and anyway, a month later and I'm still raving about. Wait, I went and saw it for the second time in July, so that totally makes it count. Right? Anyway, I'm sure you're thinking, 'Dani, it really isn't that great. Like, it's pretty good, but not at the level that you like it'. (It's also very true, I legitimately know 95% of the lines from the first movie, in order. I can recite entire scenes for you and I know large parts of the soundtrack off by heart) but I also don't care. I know it's illogical and irrational for me to love these movies as much as I do, but I love them anyway. They are among my favourite movies of all time, if not my absolute favourite.

I don't know why I love them as much as I do. But when I went to watch the second movie at the cinemas, I went in with a smile on my face and I smiled the whole movie, with the exception of the times I was crying. The characters are three dimensional and interesting, the relationships are interesting, visually, it's spectacular (especially in 3D) and somehow, they make me want to be a better person. They make me want to be as brave as Hiccup, as loyal as Toothless, as sure as Astrid, as funny as Gobber, as nerdy as Fishlegs and as tough as Stoick.


Jonsi
So I swear that not all of this post is going to be related to How To Train Your Dragon, just bits of it. :) I discovered Jonsi from the HTTYD soundtrack (he sings the end credit songs in both movies) but I've rapidly fallen in love with the rest of his work as well. I find a lot of his stuff to be just beautiful, in the lyrics, instrumentation and the melodies. I love the way he uses fairly unconventional instruments in his songs, like the bowed guitar, celesta, ukulele, kalimba and the glockenspiel. It gives a real haunting, magical sense to his music and I really like it. Strangely, some of his songs remind me of Owl City, but that could just be me being weird. :) Also, this song is beautiful and the fact that it's got clips from HTTYD just makes it better!!

All About That Bass... Or Not

Hi everyone!

So, I don't know if you guys have heard of it, but I've heard a lot about Meghan Trainor's newest song and music video recently. And I have a lot of thoughts about it and I think the people around me are getting sick of hearing me talk about it, so I thought I might talk about it here. (And writing a post about it forces me to get my thoughts in a logical order so that the next time someone brings it up, I'll have a great list of concise and organised things to mention, rather than jumping around manically as I think of more things...)

In case you haven't heard the song or seen the video, I've conveniently added it here for you.



A couple of weeks ago, people kept telling me that I had to hear this song and it kept popping up on my social media sites, and everything was saying the same thing - that it was a great body positive song, that I'd love it so much and that we needed more songs like this.

Naturally I was intrigued. Of course I wanted to hear this amazing song that touted body positivity and made everyone that was not a conventionally attractive size feel great. And so many people loved. That meant that it had to be amazing, right? Especially since the people I surround myself with on my social media all tout positive messages and good stuff like that. It sounded almost too good to be true

And sadly, in a way it was.

Don't get me wrong, the song is still pretty good. It's really catchy and has some really good sections in it. I like that the people in it are fairly diverse and I really like some of the lyrics. And, it's a step in the right direction for what we do need in the music industry - particularly in the music video industry.

But, there were some elements about the song and it's video that I was really not keen on. This can pretty much be summed up in two sections, the skinny shaming and the emphasis on men as a decider of what sort of bodies are attractive.

Exercise Can Be Really Unhealthy. True Fact. | Exercise Part 2

Hi lovelies,

Today we are moving onto Part 2 of my exercise series. If you missed the first part, you can find it here.

This post covers my experiences with exercise during my eating disorder and talks a lot about what I was feeling and my reasons and rationale behind my decisions at that time. If you are triggered by discussions of disordered thoughts about exercise, maybe this post isn't for you. xxx

Last time I pretty much gave a run down of my early experiences with exercise and I finished up with me being happy and jolly while doing Tae Kwon Do. However, unfortunately, that wasn't going to last.

After I had been doing it for about 2-2.5years, things started to head downhill. At this point, I was heading into my eating disorder and was a very stressed person. At first, Tae Kwon Do was a lifesaver for me. I was somewhere I went, twice a week and escaped every other bit of my life. The people that I met there were amazing, amazing people and were completely different from anyone else in my life. There were very few, if any people my age (16-17 years) and so I spent my time with a couple of girls and a boy about 13-14 and a few older men and women (probably in their late 30s or early 40s). This was so extremely valuable to me because these were people with whom I had very little in common with in regards to everyday life. I don't really care what other people say, there is a world of difference between the everyday life of a 13 year old and that of a 16 year old. The fact that they both go to high school is fairly negligible.

And those that did go to school were at schools that were very different from mine. One girl went to the local public high school and was in a constant battle to pass her subjects so that she would be allowed to stay on the triathlon team. For me, this was world's away from my struggles, although equally challenging, and it was a relief to be around these people. People that didn't care about school in the way I did and people that were just lovely, lovely people.

I Have Some Really Confused Ideas About Exercise | Exercise Part 1

Hi lovelies,

So, exercise. I have so many mixed feelings on exercise it's not even funny. Or mildly amusing. It's actually just very, very confusing.

And just on a quick, definition-y note before we get started, I'm talking about formal exercise here. The term 'formal exercise' refers to exercise that's done with the primary goal being to exercise, rather than to socialise or to get places or stuff like that. So I'm not counting things like walking to work/school and I'm not counting social outings. Like, I go ice-skating with my friend about once a fortnight, and while that is exercise (skating around in circles for a couple of hours does burn calories) we do it because it gives us a chance to catch up and do something a little different, and because it's fun. But it's for socialising, not exercise, primarily, so I'm not counting it under the umbrella term of formal exercise.

Got that? Yes? Okay, lets move on.

But before we crack all these different feelings, lets recap my experiences with exercise...

Fair warning - my exercise stories are not going to be happy jolly gold-tinted things and joy. Also, who even looks like when running. When you look like me, running fucking hurts! Source here

Lost and Found

Hi lovelies,

Today's post is a long one and quite personal. I debated a lot over whether to post this or not because I felt, after writing it, that I was making a bit of a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe I am. But it's my blog and I want to share this with you, even if it's not the best or most interesting thing I've written. But, on with the show....

It’s been hard for me to pin down my identity. Who am I? I know who I was. A couple of years ago I was sure – my identity was solid. Irrefutable. A done deal. But, identities change, they flow, they transition. One day you wake up and realise that you are not the same person you were 5 years ago. And that’s okay. It’s okay because you know who you are now. You’ve been changing so slowly into this new person that you didn’t realise that you had changed. It’s not until you realise what you are not, that you realise who you actually are.

My very first school picture. I was 6 at the time.

Everyone changes all throughout their lives. You change more so at some points than others. Through primary school and high school and university you go through major changes. You become a child, then a pre-teen, then a teenager and then an adult. Some changes are physical but the majority are non-quantitative. You mature emotionally. The structure of your relationships change. Your understanding of things in the world changes and your interests change. They fluctuate, they come and go. Some come and stay – like my love for the colour purple. Some come with a passion and leave with disgust – like my obsession with calling everything ‘random’ and having every second word being ‘like’. Some wax and wane, being really important at some times and not so at others – like my passion for really bad teenager-y supernatural TV shows (such as The Vampire Diaries and Teen Wolf). And some you lose along the way and never quite realise why you left them behind – like my love for always wearing the biggest, flashiest earrings I could find. For me, it’s those bits, the changing of interests and likes, that is the scariest bits about change. It’s when you wake up one morning and realise that the person that you were, that you loved and that you knew inside out, they are gone and the person that is now staring back at you from the mirror is a very different person entirely.

Confessions of a Dirty Girl (Who Also Likes Control)

Hi there lovelies,

I haven’t had a shower in just under a week now and the time that has elapsed since my hair was last in contact with shampoo and conditioner is rapidly approaching the 3-week mark. Or at, they are my best guesses. I don’t actually keep track.

It’s nothing new, the hair-washing thing. I hate washing my hair. I hate it with a passion. I think it stems from when I was in the depthsof anorexia and hair washing was too tiring for words and whenever I did muster the energy to do the hair-washing thing, my hair just came out in clumps. And I mean clumps. Like actual handfuls of hair so big I used to have to stop the shower twice to unblock the drain because of all my hair. I hated that. The feel of hair between my fingers, getting caught around my nails, tangled in my flannel. I hated the deadness of it, having to scoop out the dead mess with my fingers out it in the bin, I hated the way it littered my bathroom, little dead reminders of what to expect when I washed my hair.

Self Care Help Package

Hello my darling lovelies,

I thought that this post was fairly timely to do, as I have emerged again from the cocoon of my own mind and am taking an interest in things around me once more. I've had a bit of a rough time recently, but fingers crossed the worst is over and things will be looking up.

However, I know that life won't always be going up for me, and I know I will crash down again - it's what happens when you deal with depression. So, what I thought I'd do is put together a little post on self-care and things that I find help me when I'm struggling. And, before you starting clicking the exit button, I'm not going to be telling you to 'get some sleep', 'go to the gym' or 'eat healthily'. Those tips are bogus, or at least, that's what I think. When I feel like crap, I don't want to be told to 'make myself a nice salad' or 'shake up my routine by surprising my spouse at the office'. Because I fail to see how eating a salad will make me not depressed and because I, along with a lot of people, don't have a spouse. I'm not joking, those were tips I found while doing some research.

Fake Tattoos Nail Tattoos Review + Birthday Nautical Nails!

Hi lovelies,

A couple of weeks ago, I received my order from Fake Tattoos, which is a Scandinavian based company that sells, obviously, fake tattoos. I hadn't even known you could get nail tattoos until I saw this post over at More Nail Polish. I immediately went, 'that is so cool I want some!'. Luckily, I was able to get some on sale and guess what?? They do free shipping worldwide. :)

I bought the Ocean Design and Bird design, both of which I am very happy with.

What's in a Name Anyway?

Hi lovelies,

This is a post I've been thinking and toying with the idea of writing for a long, long time, and each time I've dismissed it as too hard and not necessary. But, as my blog grows older and I grow with it, I'm feeling like it's a topic I need to discuss.

When I started this blog, way back on the 5th June 2013, I didn't expect it to last. It was my second attempt at blogging (the first just ended up being forgotten about and ignored after a while) and to be honest, I didn't really expect it to last either. I thought that I would just do i for a while and then just forget about it like I did with the other one. And yet, here I am, almost nine months later, with me still posting. I know I'm not the most reliable blogger in the world, and I know that I can, and will disappear for days and weeks at a time, with no explanation, but I really want to change that. Having this blog has really given my own place. I place where I can write about the stuff I want to and that I'm interested in, as well as connecting with people that blog about amazing stuff.

Source here

When I started this blog, one of my main goals was to use it as a way to track my recovery progress as I moved out of anorexia (you can read my whole story in the My Disordered Story tab at the top, if you're interested). It was also a place for me to escape my life and be somebody else. Because of that, I took another name. Taking another name helped me to separate the shit that was happening in my real life and that i couldn't control, with my blogging life, which I could control. It was as if I created another identity - my blogging one and my real one. Which, in itself is stupid, because they are both real. They are just two separate halves of the same person.

However, as my real life becomes better, I'm leaving my eating disorder behind, I'm now on anti-depressants, I've graduated high school and left a lot of shit behind there, my blogging persona and real life persona become similar. I feel now that I'm more willing to share the fact that I blog with people in real life and the fact that I blog under a different name makes it a little difficult to explain. Also, I feel now that I'm lying to you guys, the ones that know me only as Lissa Spelt, the ones that came to listen to my silly ramblings and don't know me as anybody else. The fact that you are there, and that you are listening, means more to me than I can say, and I feel, now that my personas are melding into one, that I owe you guys the truth.

I don't understand it, but the snake is cute. :) Source here

I chose Lissa because I liked it, and because it was a shortened version of Melissa, which was one of the names that my parents were considering to call me. I've always liked Melissa and always had a connection to the name, but shortening it to Lissa gave me the feeling of control. I was taking control over something that I had never had control over - my name.

I've always been someone that needs control but it's only recently that I've realised this. Looking back over my life, it's fairly easy to recognise this trait throughout my life, but it took me a long time to accept that needing control is a trait of mine.

The last two years of high school, which is when I started this blog, were tough for me and felt out of control for a good deal of that time. When you start recovering from an eating disorder, it's one of the first things you have to give up. You have to give up control of your crazy rules, your beliefs and the control of your own food because you are literally too sick to make decisions. Being at a very prestigious school for academic achievement also didn't help. During year 12, I felt like I was out of control all the time - I just did what other people told me to do, I wasn't allowed to make choices, everything I did went towards something bigger. I felt like school ruled my life - it had the control over me.

Source here

I also was scared during this time. I was scared of people that I knew finding out that I blogged. I was scared of my family finding out that I blogged. If I took another name, it reduced the chances that they would find out. To be honest, I doubt it really stopped them from finding out - I'm sure they all saw various pages that I'd left open on the computer and I know it came up on my favourites page and I'm sure they wondered why I suddenly started taking photos of food and watermarking all the pictures of my nails. I know for a fact that Opinionated is out there, reading what I'm writing now because I saw my blog open on her iPod once (hi sis! You can stop pretending you don't read this now). But again, it gave me a feeling of control. I felt like there was something that I controlled in my life (and to be honest, when you look at the other choices I've made in my life to regain control, this one is fairly healthy.

I'm now also thinking I might like to branch out a little bit from just blogging. I have tumblr and pintrest for my nails (I promise I'll add a link to them soon) and I'm considering going over to youtube as well. Do I know what I would make videos about? Nope. Maybe some nail art tutorials, otherwise, no clue! It's just that, one of my closest friends has just told me she has a youtube channel and after seeing her videos, it makes me want to do my own (and if you're interested in checking her out, she's there as OwlsandBiscuits). Anyway, the fact remains, the more I want to integrate my real life into my blogging life, the harder it is and the worse I feel about maintaining two separate identities.

But, what I do want to make clear is that I'm not making things up or changing facts. Everything I post as Lissa is true - it's just the name that has been changed. And that is partly why I've held off blogging about this for so long - I'm just so afraid that people will see me as a fraud, a liar and a cheat. You guys that follow me, whether on tumblr, pintrest or blogger mean a lot to me and I don't want to lose you guys, simply because I'm coming clean about my name.

This is me, fresh from the pool, about to make lunch.

So, hear goes. My name is Dani. It's short for Danielle. It's origin is French and it means 'God is my judge'. It's a really boring, run of the mill name. It's not different and a little it quirky like Lissa (which I really liked), but it's my name. It's what people call me when I'm out in the real world. And I'd like you all to know.

As for my blog, I don't really know. I think I might keep posting as Lissa, but maybe not. Maybe Lissa was a persona that I took to hide behind when I couldn't cope with the real world. Maybe she is somebody that I've outgrown now, although she'll always be apart of me. Maybe she is my online persona or maybe I've grown tired of hiding and am ready to accept that this is me, and yes I have problems, but I'm not afraid of telling people that. All that I do know is that I feel better for writing this and I feel good about stepping up and coming clean.

Pretty please, and I'm really asking you this time, please let me know what you think of this. How do you feel? I said I felt better for writing this, and it's true, but I'd also like some reassurance that you are not too deeply offended. If you are, please let me know anyway. I really want to know what you think about this because it was such a personal post.

Dani xxxxxx

Valentine's Day....

Hello lovelies,

So, as you are all aware, I'm sure, it was Valentine's Day a couple of days ago. And I know this is definitely a little late, but deal with it. :)

Anyway, I've always had conflicted ideas about the day, and so I thought I'd share them with you. :)

When I found out the origins of Valentine's Day, it became a lot less happy hearts and flowers for me. Valentine's Day commemorates St Valentine of Rome and St Valentine of Terni, both whom were martyred during the Roman Empire. The two were Christian and were executed for practicing Christianity and trying to convert others to their faith, instead of the Roman's paganism.

Source here

I Had to Buy Pants for Fat People And the World Didn't End..

Hi lovelies,

Three weeks ago, I started my nail course in order to become a qualified nail technician. As part of the uniform, I had to go out and buy black professional pants and black shoes.

How I wished I would look in black pants. Source here

I was a little dubious as the last time I wore tailored pants was for school and the reason I stopped wearing them was that I thought they made me look fat. But, I was more excited about looking professional and starting the course than about how I felt 3 years ago. However, when I got to the shops and was perusing the racks, looking for pants that said 'short length', one pair stopped me in my tracks. They said 'short length, wide leg'.

My brain immediately went 'Pants for Fat People, Pants for Fat People! Put those down immediately! You'll get contaminated and ARGH! Run! Run far away! You really need to out them down! NOW!'