Hi everyone!

Today's post is going to be a little rambly and meandering and not have that much of a point to it. It's basically going to be a little insight into a bit of my life and if that's not really your cup of tea, then I understand and I will not hold a grudge if you don't want to read this one. But, if you do, then grab yourself a nice warm beverage and settle down for a while. :)

Did you know, that for someone that loves reading as much as I do, I don't actually do that much of it.

It's not because I don't have the time and it's not like I don't have any books to read. On average, I probably have about 5-6 unread books on my shelf at all times. Books that I bought because I really wanted to read them. And I don't buy books on a whim - I don't have the space to do that. If I buy a book, it's because I am absolutely, very sure I'm going to love it, because I have others from the same series and I feel the need to own the complete set or because it was only $2. Actually, it's because of that last reason that I ended up with a book called Murder, Mystery and Mayhem: Details of Hollywood's Most Gruesome Murders (what can I say? I'm a fan of murder mysteries and mysteries in general and it was only $2!).

But I'm getting off track.

I used to read a lot. Like, a lot. In primary school I had a deal with the school librarian. We were technically only allowed to borrow two books per week, but she let me take out four. And generally, I'd be back after two or three days to borrow more. That was all I used to do after school. I'd get home and I'd read. And read and read and read. We would also generally go to the public library once a month as well and I'd get out the maximum number of books there as well, which I think was about twelve. I'd generally read them all within two weeks as well.

Then when I got into high school I read less. I still read, but I had less time.

Source

I'd probably call myself a compulsive reader. I read everything. I have to. If there is writing, I must read it. I read the back of cereal boxes, my sisters' homework, even the instructions that come with things that don't need instructions (like shampoo - who needs instructions on how to use shampoo??). I am one of those annoying people that reads over the shoulders of other people on the train. I have no clue what's going on, and they nearly always read too slowly and sometimes they hold the book so I can only see one page and sometimes I'm just starting to get into it when they get off and I'm left alone again, with no clue what the book was even called. It's all very aggravating. And yet, I still do it. I do it when I'm not alone either. I'll be trying to hold a conversation with a friend and yet my eyes will keep drifting over to the book of the person next to me. It always makes me lose my train of thought.

In Sickness and in Health

Hi there everyone!

So I got a little sick a while ago. It was nothing major, just a very mild stomach bug. In fact, it was so minor that I didn't even vomit, nor have to call in sick for work (although I did come home an hour early one day).  It was basically just 3-4 days of general stomach soreness and nausea. Just enough that I didn't feel like doing anything, thus missing out on an opportunity to do another Halloween nail design and spending a fair amount of time lying down and generally feeling a little grossed out by the thought of food.

In big scheme of things, it was legitimately nothing.

But it really threw me. It affected me much more than it should have. And not just because I really don't deal well with nausea. It really threw me mentally.

Over those 3-4 days, I had a very small breakfast on all of them and had a small lunch one day and a tiny dinner once or twice. Which, is totally normal when you are sick in the stomach and food just seems a little repulsive - it's not nice feeling.

However, those couple of days with very little food broke down a lot of firmly built mental walls in my mind. In case you didn't know, I've recently updated my little bio (it's on the right under my picture) and my Disordered Story page to change my 'recovering' status to one of 'remission'. And let me tell you - I felt great being able to do that. When I made that decision, I really felt like I'd made it. I hadn't had an disordered thought in months and I couldn't actually remember the last time I consciously restricted in any form, whether it by large amounts of exercise or reducing food intake.

But anyway, back to my Mental Barriers.

They were pretty strong and very firm. I was very separated from my eating disorder. I was a free woman.

Source

But then I was eating very small amounts of food for a couple of days. And once again, I'll reiterate - that was not a disordered action, it was due to a stomach bug. It was purely physical. But the effects were mental as well.

I started catching myself thinking how about how nice it was to not to have to be thinking about eating, about how much weight I could lose if I just ate a bit less and how I was silly to be eating more when obviously I could get away with eating less.

Exercise Can Be Really Scary. No, Really. | Exercise Part 3

Hi lovelies,

Today I'm going to be wrapping up my series on exercise and I'm mostly going to be discussing my current thoughts on exercise and what/why (if any) I doing right now.

I'm really sorry that this is so late but it wasn't coming together and I kept working on it and it just wasn't working. But finally, finally, I got it done. :)

If you missed the first parts of this series, here's Part 1 and here's Part 2.

Okay, so onto exercise.

After my epitome about exercise and suddenly realising that continuing to exercise as I was was going to end up killing me, I gave up exercise and for the first 2-3 weeks, it was really, really hard. My anxiety skyrocketed and the amount of nervous energy I was expending felt like it tripled. Equally, it was incredibly hard to keep myself still. I would have to literally force myself to sit down and not walk and pace and move constantly in order to keep expending energy. It also didn't help that my mother was not 100% behind my decision to stop exercise all together. Obviously, she supported my decision to do so, but she is a firm believer in the 'exercise makes you happy and healthy' and I had spent an awful long time convincing her that exercise was something I did because it made me happy, not as a way to lose weight and she was pretty desperate to see me happy again. Also, she is fairly fatphobic and didn't want to see me recover in an 'unhealthy' way.

Source

But, despite all that, I stuck to it and continued to abstain from exercise. And, surprisingly, after about a month, all the anxiety just left. It obviously was not gone all together, but all the extra anxiety, the exercise-related anxiety I had been experiencing for so long, it all left. For a while then, I felt more at peace with exercise than I had in a long, long time.

Exercise Can Be Really Unhealthy. True Fact. | Exercise Part 2

Hi lovelies,

Today we are moving onto Part 2 of my exercise series. If you missed the first part, you can find it here.

This post covers my experiences with exercise during my eating disorder and talks a lot about what I was feeling and my reasons and rationale behind my decisions at that time. If you are triggered by discussions of disordered thoughts about exercise, maybe this post isn't for you. xxx

Last time I pretty much gave a run down of my early experiences with exercise and I finished up with me being happy and jolly while doing Tae Kwon Do. However, unfortunately, that wasn't going to last.

After I had been doing it for about 2-2.5years, things started to head downhill. At this point, I was heading into my eating disorder and was a very stressed person. At first, Tae Kwon Do was a lifesaver for me. I was somewhere I went, twice a week and escaped every other bit of my life. The people that I met there were amazing, amazing people and were completely different from anyone else in my life. There were very few, if any people my age (16-17 years) and so I spent my time with a couple of girls and a boy about 13-14 and a few older men and women (probably in their late 30s or early 40s). This was so extremely valuable to me because these were people with whom I had very little in common with in regards to everyday life. I don't really care what other people say, there is a world of difference between the everyday life of a 13 year old and that of a 16 year old. The fact that they both go to high school is fairly negligible.

And those that did go to school were at schools that were very different from mine. One girl went to the local public high school and was in a constant battle to pass her subjects so that she would be allowed to stay on the triathlon team. For me, this was world's away from my struggles, although equally challenging, and it was a relief to be around these people. People that didn't care about school in the way I did and people that were just lovely, lovely people.

I Have Some Really Confused Ideas About Exercise | Exercise Part 1

Hi lovelies,

So, exercise. I have so many mixed feelings on exercise it's not even funny. Or mildly amusing. It's actually just very, very confusing.

And just on a quick, definition-y note before we get started, I'm talking about formal exercise here. The term 'formal exercise' refers to exercise that's done with the primary goal being to exercise, rather than to socialise or to get places or stuff like that. So I'm not counting things like walking to work/school and I'm not counting social outings. Like, I go ice-skating with my friend about once a fortnight, and while that is exercise (skating around in circles for a couple of hours does burn calories) we do it because it gives us a chance to catch up and do something a little different, and because it's fun. But it's for socialising, not exercise, primarily, so I'm not counting it under the umbrella term of formal exercise.

Got that? Yes? Okay, lets move on.

But before we crack all these different feelings, lets recap my experiences with exercise...

Fair warning - my exercise stories are not going to be happy jolly gold-tinted things and joy. Also, who even looks like when running. When you look like me, running fucking hurts! Source here

What I Liked About April

Hiya lovelies,

So, April has come and gone and it's time for me to reflect on what helped make this April a good one, in my humble opinion.

Source here

Horrible Histories
I am a huge history nerd. I love it. I also love learning about random facts that have very little relevance to everyday life. Also, I love singing and music. And bam, there is Horrible Histories in a nutshell. I like it because I find it really funny and I like learning random facts. Loving Horrible Histories is also something that me and my youngest sister have in common and watching it is something we can do together. However, I am super sad that it's now over for good.... Season 5 was the last season that they are ever going to make of Horrible Histories. Isn't that sad?

Lost and Found

Hi lovelies,

Today's post is a long one and quite personal. I debated a lot over whether to post this or not because I felt, after writing it, that I was making a bit of a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe I am. But it's my blog and I want to share this with you, even if it's not the best or most interesting thing I've written. But, on with the show....

It’s been hard for me to pin down my identity. Who am I? I know who I was. A couple of years ago I was sure – my identity was solid. Irrefutable. A done deal. But, identities change, they flow, they transition. One day you wake up and realise that you are not the same person you were 5 years ago. And that’s okay. It’s okay because you know who you are now. You’ve been changing so slowly into this new person that you didn’t realise that you had changed. It’s not until you realise what you are not, that you realise who you actually are.

My very first school picture. I was 6 at the time.

Everyone changes all throughout their lives. You change more so at some points than others. Through primary school and high school and university you go through major changes. You become a child, then a pre-teen, then a teenager and then an adult. Some changes are physical but the majority are non-quantitative. You mature emotionally. The structure of your relationships change. Your understanding of things in the world changes and your interests change. They fluctuate, they come and go. Some come and stay – like my love for the colour purple. Some come with a passion and leave with disgust – like my obsession with calling everything ‘random’ and having every second word being ‘like’. Some wax and wane, being really important at some times and not so at others – like my passion for really bad teenager-y supernatural TV shows (such as The Vampire Diaries and Teen Wolf). And some you lose along the way and never quite realise why you left them behind – like my love for always wearing the biggest, flashiest earrings I could find. For me, it’s those bits, the changing of interests and likes, that is the scariest bits about change. It’s when you wake up one morning and realise that the person that you were, that you loved and that you knew inside out, they are gone and the person that is now staring back at you from the mirror is a very different person entirely.

Some Science Behind Eating Disorders

Hi lovelies,

Lately, I've been feeling rather misunderstood. I feel often that I'm not taken very seriously by both my family and many people that I know. Recently, my mental stability has been teetering on the balance between 'Mostly Sane' and 'Fairly Unstable'. I feel a lot of this has had to do with the fact that my illness's that I struggle with are being undermined in their seriousness. While depression and anxiety are not too badly covered in today's society (although no where near as well as I'd like them to be covered), eating disorders are often and very badly understood. So I decided to pull together a little of the information I've learnt through my struggle with anorexia and maybe help you guys understand a little of the science behind these eating disorders - the actual brain chemistry.

People are often under the impression that eating disorders are a choice. That we choose to restrict, to purge and to over-exercise in the pursuit of our ‘perfect’ body. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve heard anorexia be called the ‘Rich White Girl’s Disease’. Not because a high percentage of anorexia sufferers happen to be white females from developed countries, but because it’s seen as a choice – a way to seek attention and gain recognition in our world.

Caramel Slice

Hello there lovelies,

Guess what? Today I took a challenge and really challenged myself. (I think there was too many ‘challenge’s in that sentence…)

Today, I made caramel slice.

Why I Paint My Nails

Hi lovelies

I’ve got a very long, long post and it’s a bit of a rant in some parts… Love to know what you guys think on the topic (comment box is just below!)

Being into manicures and nail painting and nail art is something that seems so superficial, isn’t it?

Think about it – it seems girly and frivolous. It’s just about the epitome of girliness. In generally, I don’t seem like a very girly-girl. I like the outdoors and I like nature. I like mud and the ocean surf. I think that hair-washing should be an option, not a necessity. I love my martial arts. I’m proud of my muscles and one of my greatest achievements in high school was beating my entire music class (consisting of mostly 17 year old boys) at arm wrestling. I don’t consider myself all that superficial. And yet, painting my nails is one of my favourite things to do.