Hi there everyone!

So, I'm sorry that this post is later than I would have liked, but I went away last weekend and my grandparents arrived from New Zealand and then last week was pretty jam-packed due to it being the last week of school and work and my sister was graduating (from primary school) and then a bunch of relatives arrived on Saturday (also from New Zealand) and it's been a little full on. And so while I'm disappointed about me falling behind a little on my schedule I think it's been justified (unlike some of my absences).

Anyway, all this talk leads me onto the subject of this post - tips to survive the mad rush of the holidays and relatives and family stuff.

While it can be great to have family around, especially over the Christmas and holiday period and especially if you don't get to see them very often but it can certainly become very stressful, very quickly. To be frank, I am really quite glad I only have to go through this every couple of years or so due to the fact that we live in a different country to the rest of the family. But here are my suggestions to help ensure the smoothest, bestest, least-stressful family occasion you can. I think most of them are pretty common sense, but I think it's good to be reminded of them every once in a while!

Avoid Controversial Topics
As boring as it may be to stick to boring, safe topics, please remember that they are safe for a reason. Talk about uni, talk about school, talk about work, talk about the weather, stick to the safe topics. Don't talk about things like whether banning women from wearing burqas in public in Australia is a good idea or not. Equally, if you have elderly or rather conservative relatives, maybe staying away from topics like tattoos and body piercings would also be a good idea. You know, just from personal experience.

When I Complain About My Boobs, It's Not a Humble Brag

Hi lovelies,

I hope you are all having a good week. This post is something I've been sitting on for a while, a sort of half formed idea that took a long time to manifest into a coherent post and then has been sitting around on my computer for even longer before I decided to post it.

Why?

Because I feel that maybe it doesn't fit with my blog, but then, it is my blog and I can do what I like with it, can't I? And also because I don't know what people will think of it. Will it come out the way I want it to? But then, again, it is my blog and I can't pander to the whims and desires of everybody, if I did, I wouldn't be here typing this to you. I guess I just feel that this is an issue and struggle that I'm still working through at the moment, rather than one I feel like I've worked through and moved on a bit from (like my exercise series) and I don't want to hit a wrong nerve with anyone because I don't have that secondary, past perspective to tamper and soften some of my ideas.

But then again, it is my blog, and this post is as good as I'm gonna get it and when I started this blog, I made a promise that I was going to be honest. And this is me being honest. I hope you enjoy and if you do, if you could let me know via commenting that would be amazing and if you didn't like it, I'd still like to hear why (I think.....) and if you have your own experiences, I would especially love to hear them!!

So, let us start at the beginning of this saga, shall we?

I've always had big boobs. It's just part of who I am. To be honest, I can't actually remember what it was like to not have big boobs.

Source

Exercise Can Be Really Unhealthy. True Fact. | Exercise Part 2

Hi lovelies,

Today we are moving onto Part 2 of my exercise series. If you missed the first part, you can find it here.

This post covers my experiences with exercise during my eating disorder and talks a lot about what I was feeling and my reasons and rationale behind my decisions at that time. If you are triggered by discussions of disordered thoughts about exercise, maybe this post isn't for you. xxx

Last time I pretty much gave a run down of my early experiences with exercise and I finished up with me being happy and jolly while doing Tae Kwon Do. However, unfortunately, that wasn't going to last.

After I had been doing it for about 2-2.5years, things started to head downhill. At this point, I was heading into my eating disorder and was a very stressed person. At first, Tae Kwon Do was a lifesaver for me. I was somewhere I went, twice a week and escaped every other bit of my life. The people that I met there were amazing, amazing people and were completely different from anyone else in my life. There were very few, if any people my age (16-17 years) and so I spent my time with a couple of girls and a boy about 13-14 and a few older men and women (probably in their late 30s or early 40s). This was so extremely valuable to me because these were people with whom I had very little in common with in regards to everyday life. I don't really care what other people say, there is a world of difference between the everyday life of a 13 year old and that of a 16 year old. The fact that they both go to high school is fairly negligible.

And those that did go to school were at schools that were very different from mine. One girl went to the local public high school and was in a constant battle to pass her subjects so that she would be allowed to stay on the triathlon team. For me, this was world's away from my struggles, although equally challenging, and it was a relief to be around these people. People that didn't care about school in the way I did and people that were just lovely, lovely people.

I Have Some Really Confused Ideas About Exercise | Exercise Part 1

Hi lovelies,

So, exercise. I have so many mixed feelings on exercise it's not even funny. Or mildly amusing. It's actually just very, very confusing.

And just on a quick, definition-y note before we get started, I'm talking about formal exercise here. The term 'formal exercise' refers to exercise that's done with the primary goal being to exercise, rather than to socialise or to get places or stuff like that. So I'm not counting things like walking to work/school and I'm not counting social outings. Like, I go ice-skating with my friend about once a fortnight, and while that is exercise (skating around in circles for a couple of hours does burn calories) we do it because it gives us a chance to catch up and do something a little different, and because it's fun. But it's for socialising, not exercise, primarily, so I'm not counting it under the umbrella term of formal exercise.

Got that? Yes? Okay, lets move on.

But before we crack all these different feelings, lets recap my experiences with exercise...

Fair warning - my exercise stories are not going to be happy jolly gold-tinted things and joy. Also, who even looks like when running. When you look like me, running fucking hurts! Source here

Confessions of a Dirty Girl (Who Also Likes Control)

Hi there lovelies,

I haven’t had a shower in just under a week now and the time that has elapsed since my hair was last in contact with shampoo and conditioner is rapidly approaching the 3-week mark. Or at, they are my best guesses. I don’t actually keep track.

It’s nothing new, the hair-washing thing. I hate washing my hair. I hate it with a passion. I think it stems from when I was in the depthsof anorexia and hair washing was too tiring for words and whenever I did muster the energy to do the hair-washing thing, my hair just came out in clumps. And I mean clumps. Like actual handfuls of hair so big I used to have to stop the shower twice to unblock the drain because of all my hair. I hated that. The feel of hair between my fingers, getting caught around my nails, tangled in my flannel. I hated the deadness of it, having to scoop out the dead mess with my fingers out it in the bin, I hated the way it littered my bathroom, little dead reminders of what to expect when I washed my hair.

What's in a Name Anyway?

Hi lovelies,

This is a post I've been thinking and toying with the idea of writing for a long, long time, and each time I've dismissed it as too hard and not necessary. But, as my blog grows older and I grow with it, I'm feeling like it's a topic I need to discuss.

When I started this blog, way back on the 5th June 2013, I didn't expect it to last. It was my second attempt at blogging (the first just ended up being forgotten about and ignored after a while) and to be honest, I didn't really expect it to last either. I thought that I would just do i for a while and then just forget about it like I did with the other one. And yet, here I am, almost nine months later, with me still posting. I know I'm not the most reliable blogger in the world, and I know that I can, and will disappear for days and weeks at a time, with no explanation, but I really want to change that. Having this blog has really given my own place. I place where I can write about the stuff I want to and that I'm interested in, as well as connecting with people that blog about amazing stuff.

Source here

When I started this blog, one of my main goals was to use it as a way to track my recovery progress as I moved out of anorexia (you can read my whole story in the My Disordered Story tab at the top, if you're interested). It was also a place for me to escape my life and be somebody else. Because of that, I took another name. Taking another name helped me to separate the shit that was happening in my real life and that i couldn't control, with my blogging life, which I could control. It was as if I created another identity - my blogging one and my real one. Which, in itself is stupid, because they are both real. They are just two separate halves of the same person.

However, as my real life becomes better, I'm leaving my eating disorder behind, I'm now on anti-depressants, I've graduated high school and left a lot of shit behind there, my blogging persona and real life persona become similar. I feel now that I'm more willing to share the fact that I blog with people in real life and the fact that I blog under a different name makes it a little difficult to explain. Also, I feel now that I'm lying to you guys, the ones that know me only as Lissa Spelt, the ones that came to listen to my silly ramblings and don't know me as anybody else. The fact that you are there, and that you are listening, means more to me than I can say, and I feel, now that my personas are melding into one, that I owe you guys the truth.

I don't understand it, but the snake is cute. :) Source here

I chose Lissa because I liked it, and because it was a shortened version of Melissa, which was one of the names that my parents were considering to call me. I've always liked Melissa and always had a connection to the name, but shortening it to Lissa gave me the feeling of control. I was taking control over something that I had never had control over - my name.

I've always been someone that needs control but it's only recently that I've realised this. Looking back over my life, it's fairly easy to recognise this trait throughout my life, but it took me a long time to accept that needing control is a trait of mine.

The last two years of high school, which is when I started this blog, were tough for me and felt out of control for a good deal of that time. When you start recovering from an eating disorder, it's one of the first things you have to give up. You have to give up control of your crazy rules, your beliefs and the control of your own food because you are literally too sick to make decisions. Being at a very prestigious school for academic achievement also didn't help. During year 12, I felt like I was out of control all the time - I just did what other people told me to do, I wasn't allowed to make choices, everything I did went towards something bigger. I felt like school ruled my life - it had the control over me.

Source here

I also was scared during this time. I was scared of people that I knew finding out that I blogged. I was scared of my family finding out that I blogged. If I took another name, it reduced the chances that they would find out. To be honest, I doubt it really stopped them from finding out - I'm sure they all saw various pages that I'd left open on the computer and I know it came up on my favourites page and I'm sure they wondered why I suddenly started taking photos of food and watermarking all the pictures of my nails. I know for a fact that Opinionated is out there, reading what I'm writing now because I saw my blog open on her iPod once (hi sis! You can stop pretending you don't read this now). But again, it gave me a feeling of control. I felt like there was something that I controlled in my life (and to be honest, when you look at the other choices I've made in my life to regain control, this one is fairly healthy.

I'm now also thinking I might like to branch out a little bit from just blogging. I have tumblr and pintrest for my nails (I promise I'll add a link to them soon) and I'm considering going over to youtube as well. Do I know what I would make videos about? Nope. Maybe some nail art tutorials, otherwise, no clue! It's just that, one of my closest friends has just told me she has a youtube channel and after seeing her videos, it makes me want to do my own (and if you're interested in checking her out, she's there as OwlsandBiscuits). Anyway, the fact remains, the more I want to integrate my real life into my blogging life, the harder it is and the worse I feel about maintaining two separate identities.

But, what I do want to make clear is that I'm not making things up or changing facts. Everything I post as Lissa is true - it's just the name that has been changed. And that is partly why I've held off blogging about this for so long - I'm just so afraid that people will see me as a fraud, a liar and a cheat. You guys that follow me, whether on tumblr, pintrest or blogger mean a lot to me and I don't want to lose you guys, simply because I'm coming clean about my name.

This is me, fresh from the pool, about to make lunch.

So, hear goes. My name is Dani. It's short for Danielle. It's origin is French and it means 'God is my judge'. It's a really boring, run of the mill name. It's not different and a little it quirky like Lissa (which I really liked), but it's my name. It's what people call me when I'm out in the real world. And I'd like you all to know.

As for my blog, I don't really know. I think I might keep posting as Lissa, but maybe not. Maybe Lissa was a persona that I took to hide behind when I couldn't cope with the real world. Maybe she is somebody that I've outgrown now, although she'll always be apart of me. Maybe she is my online persona or maybe I've grown tired of hiding and am ready to accept that this is me, and yes I have problems, but I'm not afraid of telling people that. All that I do know is that I feel better for writing this and I feel good about stepping up and coming clean.

Pretty please, and I'm really asking you this time, please let me know what you think of this. How do you feel? I said I felt better for writing this, and it's true, but I'd also like some reassurance that you are not too deeply offended. If you are, please let me know anyway. I really want to know what you think about this because it was such a personal post.

Dani xxxxxx

Valentine's Day....

Hello lovelies,

So, as you are all aware, I'm sure, it was Valentine's Day a couple of days ago. And I know this is definitely a little late, but deal with it. :)

Anyway, I've always had conflicted ideas about the day, and so I thought I'd share them with you. :)

When I found out the origins of Valentine's Day, it became a lot less happy hearts and flowers for me. Valentine's Day commemorates St Valentine of Rome and St Valentine of Terni, both whom were martyred during the Roman Empire. The two were Christian and were executed for practicing Christianity and trying to convert others to their faith, instead of the Roman's paganism.

Source here

Vines and Flowers in Albany

Hello lovelies,

Man, nearly another week has passed and I have not posted at all... My weeks seem to go so fast! Between my nail course (two days a week), a lot of practice and homework for said course and lots of work, I never seem to have any time. Isn't that ridiculous? I used to blog more regularly when I was at school five days a week, with days starting at 7:30, sometimes 6:45 and not ending till 7-8 at night (after homework and study), plus all saturday morning band... I need to start getting organised. :)

I Had to Buy Pants for Fat People And the World Didn't End..

Hi lovelies,

Three weeks ago, I started my nail course in order to become a qualified nail technician. As part of the uniform, I had to go out and buy black professional pants and black shoes.

How I wished I would look in black pants. Source here

I was a little dubious as the last time I wore tailored pants was for school and the reason I stopped wearing them was that I thought they made me look fat. But, I was more excited about looking professional and starting the course than about how I felt 3 years ago. However, when I got to the shops and was perusing the racks, looking for pants that said 'short length', one pair stopped me in my tracks. They said 'short length, wide leg'.

My brain immediately went 'Pants for Fat People, Pants for Fat People! Put those down immediately! You'll get contaminated and ARGH! Run! Run far away! You really need to out them down! NOW!'

To all those out there...

Hello.

Hello to all you beautiful souls that are out there.

Hello to all those that are reading what I have to say, here in my little corner of the internet.

To those that have joined me recently, welcome, and while I know you guys came because of the nails, I’m hoping you’ll stick around for the rest of it as well.

While this blog has been rather nail heavy recently, it won’t be becoming a nail blog any time soon. This blog is a bit of an extension of my life, if all I’m showing is nails, it’s probably because I don’t have a lot else going on in my life at the moment. When that happens, my nail polish is my lifeline, it’s something to cling to while the rest of my life falls down in pieces around me. I delve a little more into that in this post.

But, for 3 days this past week, my nails were bare.

And that really showed how fall I’ve been falling.

I found a bikini and watch me rock it!

First full picture of me in aaaaaaaaages. I'm so proud of myself.

Hi lovelies,

So, following on from my previous post on bathers and bikinis (and steering away from the huge amounts of nail posts recently), I am proud to announce that I know have purchased one. Yay! While it is unfortunately not the one mentioned in the previous post, it is still pretty good. Or at least I think so.

Multi Dot Nails

Hello beautiful people,

You know what I love about the holidays? That fact that life slows down. Not just my life, but all of my family’s as well. With four children, my mum has a full schedule in making sure the household doesn’t fall apart and with so much homework and study, me and my sisters hardly get to see each other.

Depression and Anti-Depressants

Hi lovelies,

This post is going to be a hard one and one that you may not want to read about. In staying true to my policy of being truthful, I am going to be tackling the topic of my depression and namely, my methods of dealing with it. (On a sidenote, did you see my alliterations in that sentence? So many ‘t’s!).

Mental health is an interesting topic for me. It was never discussed inside my house, I never knew anyone that had an issue with mental health and all I knew about it was what they taught us in year 10 health. That’s was, until I was plunged head-long into it in yr 11, aged 16, with depression, anxiety and anorexia. I discuss my anorexia here and most of you probably know I’m in recovery from it. My anxiety is far milder than the others and generally only becomes bad when the others are also bad but my depression – that’s something I don’t mention much.

Why I Paint My Nails

Hi lovelies

I’ve got a very long, long post and it’s a bit of a rant in some parts… Love to know what you guys think on the topic (comment box is just below!)

Being into manicures and nail painting and nail art is something that seems so superficial, isn’t it?

Think about it – it seems girly and frivolous. It’s just about the epitome of girliness. In generally, I don’t seem like a very girly-girl. I like the outdoors and I like nature. I like mud and the ocean surf. I think that hair-washing should be an option, not a necessity. I love my martial arts. I’m proud of my muscles and one of my greatest achievements in high school was beating my entire music class (consisting of mostly 17 year old boys) at arm wrestling. I don’t consider myself all that superficial. And yet, painting my nails is one of my favourite things to do.

Tea - the brew to heal all wounds

Good evening everyone!

Sorry for the little absence, I’ve just broken up from school and for some weird reason, have not made it to the computer at all… My life has consisted of cleaning out my local video store, op shopping and eating. Man, that ED is a bitch… I start recovery and suddenly my body just wants ALL the food! But, other than that, I have had zero motivation to do anything, even the internet has seemed like too much work.

But I’m back on the internet and Opinionated is back from her school trip and she brought me the loveliest gift back for me.

See? Isn’t it just perfect!? She knows me so well. :)

And, that’s about it – I really just wanted to share my new coaster with you.

xxLissa

Chocolate-Chip Muesli Bars

So, this was a recipe for my sisters, not me. I’m not a big fan of the sweetness found in many muesli bars and as I general rule I try not to use butter – especially in things like muesli bars, as they have the connotations of being healthy, and for me, butter doesn’t really come under that heading. However, I was looking for something that struck a balance – something decent enough to satisfy my inner health Nazi and something treat-y enough to satisfy my little sisters. I came across this recipe and thought ‘yep, that’ll do it’. Chocolate, tick. Oats, tick. A little butter, tick. Rice bubbles to make it light and crispy, tick. And these didn’t disappoint. Well, except that they kind of fell apart… But, so far, every muesli bar recipe I’ve tried has fallen apart, so I think it’s just me. But aside from that, these didn’t disappoint (me). To be honest, I don’t even know whether they’ll last long enough for my sisters to see them – they turned out way more tasty than I expected… Also, feel free to substitute the chocolate chips for seeds, nuts and/or dried fruit if you want.