Hi everyone,

*Just a trigger warning before we begin, in this post I talk about when I was suffering badly from my eating disorder and the relationship I had with food during this time. So if that sound a little icky to you, you might be best to sit this one out.*

So, I know I am way behind the ball with this, but hear me out.

I had never tasted a Sumo Salad until a few weeks ago.

I know, I know - it's not exactly new but I don't eat out and on the run much and if I do, it's almost never a salad. Why would I get a salad when I could get a delicious burger and/or chips! Anybody that knows me will know of my love for hot chips and because of such, why would I pass up the opportunity to have chips for something like a salad! I can have salads at home.

Anyway, the point is that I have had one (and many others since) and I loved it.

Source

After having this lovely salad, I did think that honestly, I probably could make something like this at home - thereby saving me money and giving me the option to customise my salads as I wished (and have them more often). Which also sounded like great idea because while I like salads, I never know how to make them more substantial than the basics (lettuce, tomato, cucumber and stuff). So I jumped onto the internet to see what I could find.

To be honest - I was quite surprised at what I found. First off, there were no recipes for 'My Take On X Salad by Sumo Salad' (which definitely was surprisingly), but more to the point, I was surprised about what else I found. I came across so many blog posts on how bad Sumo Salad was and how everyone thinks they are eating healthy by choosing that option but really it's a terrible choice and everyone should be much more conscientious and discerning when it comes to food choices and never eat fast food of any kind.

Posts like that really annoy me. There was a time in which I would have been their biggest advocate but thankfully, those times are behind me and now they just make me really angry. First and foremost, I feel they come across very judgy and patronising to those who choose to eat these foods. I get the feeling that the authors of these articles believe that people only eat food like this because they don't know all the facts and how bad they really are. I don't like that. I don't they give the general public enough credit in food knowledge. No, the average person probably does not know the optimum grams of fat, carbohydrates, sugars and protein they should be eating everyday and no, they probably don't know how much of those are in an average Sumo Salad, or burger, or medium fries from MacDonalds. But also, who cares? It's just a salad. Or a burger. Or icecream.

Don't get me wrong, I do agree that we probably should be thinking a little about where our food is coming from and how long it's been sitting there, and making sure we are getting the proper nutrients, but again, it's just a salad. It's probably not something we have everyday and it's delicious.

I feel like that word right there is pretty important. Delicious. Tasty. Yummy. We eat this food because we want to. This is food that calls to us as we walk by it. This is food that we might buy on a whim, just because we're a bit peckish. This is food we might plan to buy for lunch, either by ourselves or with a friend. It's nice food. And it nourishes us. It gives us energy, happiness and joy.

New Years Nail Art + Year in Review

Hi everyone!

So it really is the last day of 2014, which is pretty cool but also pretty crazy. I know that nearly everybody says this, but honestly, if you had told me last year that I would be here right now, I, well, I probably wouldn't have laughed in your face, but I would have at least given you a nervous laugh and found some excuse to leave the conversation immediately.

I loved 2014. I really did. Some bits got a little sucky and I had a rough patch over the middle, but I still loved it. I feel I have accomplished a lot over this year, more so than usual. Mentally, I progressed from being 'in recovery' from my eating disorder to being 'in remission' - which is an amazing accomplishment and I also have come a lot more to terms with my medication and have also developed a much better self help plan for when I do start spiralling downwards (read more about that here and here). In terms of my nails, I feel I have improved quite a bit from the first nail art I did this year to these and I've been particularly proud of some of my more recent ones, like my Tony Stark/Iron Man nails. My photography is still an on going struggle, but hey, nobody's perfect...

I'm proud of how much I've been learning about coding and stuff and I'm loving being able to understand more about how my blog is set up and customise more of it. I'm also really loving my instagram and having more motivation for blogging and stuff. I got qualified as a nail tech and also as a make-up artist and I'm training for my Cert III in childcare and I adore my job in out of school hours childcare.

Anyway, so these nails I am pretty happy with. Considering I was working on a limited time frame and I was also really tired from working all day, I thought these were a pretty good compromise. The fact that I was using such an amazing multichrome as a base also helps make these look 100x better.

How To Survive The Family Christmas

Hi there everyone!

So, I'm sorry that this post is later than I would have liked, but I went away last weekend and my grandparents arrived from New Zealand and then last week was pretty jam-packed due to it being the last week of school and work and my sister was graduating (from primary school) and then a bunch of relatives arrived on Saturday (also from New Zealand) and it's been a little full on. And so while I'm disappointed about me falling behind a little on my schedule I think it's been justified (unlike some of my absences).

Anyway, all this talk leads me onto the subject of this post - tips to survive the mad rush of the holidays and relatives and family stuff.

While it can be great to have family around, especially over the Christmas and holiday period and especially if you don't get to see them very often but it can certainly become very stressful, very quickly. To be frank, I am really quite glad I only have to go through this every couple of years or so due to the fact that we live in a different country to the rest of the family. But here are my suggestions to help ensure the smoothest, bestest, least-stressful family occasion you can. I think most of them are pretty common sense, but I think it's good to be reminded of them every once in a while!

Avoid Controversial Topics
As boring as it may be to stick to boring, safe topics, please remember that they are safe for a reason. Talk about uni, talk about school, talk about work, talk about the weather, stick to the safe topics. Don't talk about things like whether banning women from wearing burqas in public in Australia is a good idea or not. Equally, if you have elderly or rather conservative relatives, maybe staying away from topics like tattoos and body piercings would also be a good idea. You know, just from personal experience.

Coping by Dissolving

Hi everyone!

Today's post is going to be a little rambly and meandering and not have that much of a point to it. It's basically going to be a little insight into a bit of my life and if that's not really your cup of tea, then I understand and I will not hold a grudge if you don't want to read this one. But, if you do, then grab yourself a nice warm beverage and settle down for a while. :)

Did you know, that for someone that loves reading as much as I do, I don't actually do that much of it.

It's not because I don't have the time and it's not like I don't have any books to read. On average, I probably have about 5-6 unread books on my shelf at all times. Books that I bought because I really wanted to read them. And I don't buy books on a whim - I don't have the space to do that. If I buy a book, it's because I am absolutely, very sure I'm going to love it, because I have others from the same series and I feel the need to own the complete set or because it was only $2. Actually, it's because of that last reason that I ended up with a book called Murder, Mystery and Mayhem: Details of Hollywood's Most Gruesome Murders (what can I say? I'm a fan of murder mysteries and mysteries in general and it was only $2!).

But I'm getting off track.

I used to read a lot. Like, a lot. In primary school I had a deal with the school librarian. We were technically only allowed to borrow two books per week, but she let me take out four. And generally, I'd be back after two or three days to borrow more. That was all I used to do after school. I'd get home and I'd read. And read and read and read. We would also generally go to the public library once a month as well and I'd get out the maximum number of books there as well, which I think was about twelve. I'd generally read them all within two weeks as well.

Then when I got into high school I read less. I still read, but I had less time.

Source

I'd probably call myself a compulsive reader. I read everything. I have to. If there is writing, I must read it. I read the back of cereal boxes, my sisters' homework, even the instructions that come with things that don't need instructions (like shampoo - who needs instructions on how to use shampoo??). I am one of those annoying people that reads over the shoulders of other people on the train. I have no clue what's going on, and they nearly always read too slowly and sometimes they hold the book so I can only see one page and sometimes I'm just starting to get into it when they get off and I'm left alone again, with no clue what the book was even called. It's all very aggravating. And yet, I still do it. I do it when I'm not alone either. I'll be trying to hold a conversation with a friend and yet my eyes will keep drifting over to the book of the person next to me. It always makes me lose my train of thought.

In Sickness and in Health

Hi there everyone!

So I got a little sick a while ago. It was nothing major, just a very mild stomach bug. In fact, it was so minor that I didn't even vomit, nor have to call in sick for work (although I did come home an hour early one day).  It was basically just 3-4 days of general stomach soreness and nausea. Just enough that I didn't feel like doing anything, thus missing out on an opportunity to do another Halloween nail design and spending a fair amount of time lying down and generally feeling a little grossed out by the thought of food.

In big scheme of things, it was legitimately nothing.

But it really threw me. It affected me much more than it should have. And not just because I really don't deal well with nausea. It really threw me mentally.

Over those 3-4 days, I had a very small breakfast on all of them and had a small lunch one day and a tiny dinner once or twice. Which, is totally normal when you are sick in the stomach and food just seems a little repulsive - it's not nice feeling.

However, those couple of days with very little food broke down a lot of firmly built mental walls in my mind. In case you didn't know, I've recently updated my little bio (it's on the right under my picture) and my Disordered Story page to change my 'recovering' status to one of 'remission'. And let me tell you - I felt great being able to do that. When I made that decision, I really felt like I'd made it. I hadn't had an disordered thought in months and I couldn't actually remember the last time I consciously restricted in any form, whether it by large amounts of exercise or reducing food intake.

But anyway, back to my Mental Barriers.

They were pretty strong and very firm. I was very separated from my eating disorder. I was a free woman.

Source

But then I was eating very small amounts of food for a couple of days. And once again, I'll reiterate - that was not a disordered action, it was due to a stomach bug. It was purely physical. But the effects were mental as well.

I started catching myself thinking how about how nice it was to not to have to be thinking about eating, about how much weight I could lose if I just ate a bit less and how I was silly to be eating more when obviously I could get away with eating less.

Spider-Web Halloween Nail Art AKA I'm Not Dead and Have Crawled Out of my Hole for Halloween

Hi everyone,

I've got some very average nail art for you today, but you know, it's better than what I had before (which was nothing).

It's also my first set of Halloween nails for this year! Yay! Last year I kind of forgot about it and had a very late and somewhat half-hearted contribution, but this year is different. I have started early and have some many designs to do. If fact, I have way too many ideas than I have reasonable opportunities to paint my nails but whatever, I'll think of something.

Exercise Can Be Really Scary. No, Really. | Exercise Part 3

Hi lovelies,

Today I'm going to be wrapping up my series on exercise and I'm mostly going to be discussing my current thoughts on exercise and what/why (if any) I doing right now.

I'm really sorry that this is so late but it wasn't coming together and I kept working on it and it just wasn't working. But finally, finally, I got it done. :)

If you missed the first parts of this series, here's Part 1 and here's Part 2.

Okay, so onto exercise.

After my epitome about exercise and suddenly realising that continuing to exercise as I was was going to end up killing me, I gave up exercise and for the first 2-3 weeks, it was really, really hard. My anxiety skyrocketed and the amount of nervous energy I was expending felt like it tripled. Equally, it was incredibly hard to keep myself still. I would have to literally force myself to sit down and not walk and pace and move constantly in order to keep expending energy. It also didn't help that my mother was not 100% behind my decision to stop exercise all together. Obviously, she supported my decision to do so, but she is a firm believer in the 'exercise makes you happy and healthy' and I had spent an awful long time convincing her that exercise was something I did because it made me happy, not as a way to lose weight and she was pretty desperate to see me happy again. Also, she is fairly fatphobic and didn't want to see me recover in an 'unhealthy' way.

Source

But, despite all that, I stuck to it and continued to abstain from exercise. And, surprisingly, after about a month, all the anxiety just left. It obviously was not gone all together, but all the extra anxiety, the exercise-related anxiety I had been experiencing for so long, it all left. For a while then, I felt more at peace with exercise than I had in a long, long time.

Exercise Can Be Really Unhealthy. True Fact. | Exercise Part 2

Hi lovelies,

Today we are moving onto Part 2 of my exercise series. If you missed the first part, you can find it here.

This post covers my experiences with exercise during my eating disorder and talks a lot about what I was feeling and my reasons and rationale behind my decisions at that time. If you are triggered by discussions of disordered thoughts about exercise, maybe this post isn't for you. xxx

Last time I pretty much gave a run down of my early experiences with exercise and I finished up with me being happy and jolly while doing Tae Kwon Do. However, unfortunately, that wasn't going to last.

After I had been doing it for about 2-2.5years, things started to head downhill. At this point, I was heading into my eating disorder and was a very stressed person. At first, Tae Kwon Do was a lifesaver for me. I was somewhere I went, twice a week and escaped every other bit of my life. The people that I met there were amazing, amazing people and were completely different from anyone else in my life. There were very few, if any people my age (16-17 years) and so I spent my time with a couple of girls and a boy about 13-14 and a few older men and women (probably in their late 30s or early 40s). This was so extremely valuable to me because these were people with whom I had very little in common with in regards to everyday life. I don't really care what other people say, there is a world of difference between the everyday life of a 13 year old and that of a 16 year old. The fact that they both go to high school is fairly negligible.

And those that did go to school were at schools that were very different from mine. One girl went to the local public high school and was in a constant battle to pass her subjects so that she would be allowed to stay on the triathlon team. For me, this was world's away from my struggles, although equally challenging, and it was a relief to be around these people. People that didn't care about school in the way I did and people that were just lovely, lovely people.

I Have Some Really Confused Ideas About Exercise | Exercise Part 1

Hi lovelies,

So, exercise. I have so many mixed feelings on exercise it's not even funny. Or mildly amusing. It's actually just very, very confusing.

And just on a quick, definition-y note before we get started, I'm talking about formal exercise here. The term 'formal exercise' refers to exercise that's done with the primary goal being to exercise, rather than to socialise or to get places or stuff like that. So I'm not counting things like walking to work/school and I'm not counting social outings. Like, I go ice-skating with my friend about once a fortnight, and while that is exercise (skating around in circles for a couple of hours does burn calories) we do it because it gives us a chance to catch up and do something a little different, and because it's fun. But it's for socialising, not exercise, primarily, so I'm not counting it under the umbrella term of formal exercise.

Got that? Yes? Okay, lets move on.

But before we crack all these different feelings, lets recap my experiences with exercise...

Fair warning - my exercise stories are not going to be happy jolly gold-tinted things and joy. Also, who even looks like when running. When you look like me, running fucking hurts! Source here

Lost and Found

Hi lovelies,

Today's post is a long one and quite personal. I debated a lot over whether to post this or not because I felt, after writing it, that I was making a bit of a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe I am. But it's my blog and I want to share this with you, even if it's not the best or most interesting thing I've written. But, on with the show....

It’s been hard for me to pin down my identity. Who am I? I know who I was. A couple of years ago I was sure – my identity was solid. Irrefutable. A done deal. But, identities change, they flow, they transition. One day you wake up and realise that you are not the same person you were 5 years ago. And that’s okay. It’s okay because you know who you are now. You’ve been changing so slowly into this new person that you didn’t realise that you had changed. It’s not until you realise what you are not, that you realise who you actually are.

My very first school picture. I was 6 at the time.

Everyone changes all throughout their lives. You change more so at some points than others. Through primary school and high school and university you go through major changes. You become a child, then a pre-teen, then a teenager and then an adult. Some changes are physical but the majority are non-quantitative. You mature emotionally. The structure of your relationships change. Your understanding of things in the world changes and your interests change. They fluctuate, they come and go. Some come and stay – like my love for the colour purple. Some come with a passion and leave with disgust – like my obsession with calling everything ‘random’ and having every second word being ‘like’. Some wax and wane, being really important at some times and not so at others – like my passion for really bad teenager-y supernatural TV shows (such as The Vampire Diaries and Teen Wolf). And some you lose along the way and never quite realise why you left them behind – like my love for always wearing the biggest, flashiest earrings I could find. For me, it’s those bits, the changing of interests and likes, that is the scariest bits about change. It’s when you wake up one morning and realise that the person that you were, that you loved and that you knew inside out, they are gone and the person that is now staring back at you from the mirror is a very different person entirely.

Confessions of a Dirty Girl (Who Also Likes Control)

Hi there lovelies,

I haven’t had a shower in just under a week now and the time that has elapsed since my hair was last in contact with shampoo and conditioner is rapidly approaching the 3-week mark. Or at, they are my best guesses. I don’t actually keep track.

It’s nothing new, the hair-washing thing. I hate washing my hair. I hate it with a passion. I think it stems from when I was in the depthsof anorexia and hair washing was too tiring for words and whenever I did muster the energy to do the hair-washing thing, my hair just came out in clumps. And I mean clumps. Like actual handfuls of hair so big I used to have to stop the shower twice to unblock the drain because of all my hair. I hated that. The feel of hair between my fingers, getting caught around my nails, tangled in my flannel. I hated the deadness of it, having to scoop out the dead mess with my fingers out it in the bin, I hated the way it littered my bathroom, little dead reminders of what to expect when I washed my hair.

Self Care Help Package

Hello my darling lovelies,

I thought that this post was fairly timely to do, as I have emerged again from the cocoon of my own mind and am taking an interest in things around me once more. I've had a bit of a rough time recently, but fingers crossed the worst is over and things will be looking up.

However, I know that life won't always be going up for me, and I know I will crash down again - it's what happens when you deal with depression. So, what I thought I'd do is put together a little post on self-care and things that I find help me when I'm struggling. And, before you starting clicking the exit button, I'm not going to be telling you to 'get some sleep', 'go to the gym' or 'eat healthily'. Those tips are bogus, or at least, that's what I think. When I feel like crap, I don't want to be told to 'make myself a nice salad' or 'shake up my routine by surprising my spouse at the office'. Because I fail to see how eating a salad will make me not depressed and because I, along with a lot of people, don't have a spouse. I'm not joking, those were tips I found while doing some research.

I Had to Buy Pants for Fat People And the World Didn't End..

Hi lovelies,

Three weeks ago, I started my nail course in order to become a qualified nail technician. As part of the uniform, I had to go out and buy black professional pants and black shoes.

How I wished I would look in black pants. Source here

I was a little dubious as the last time I wore tailored pants was for school and the reason I stopped wearing them was that I thought they made me look fat. But, I was more excited about looking professional and starting the course than about how I felt 3 years ago. However, when I got to the shops and was perusing the racks, looking for pants that said 'short length', one pair stopped me in my tracks. They said 'short length, wide leg'.

My brain immediately went 'Pants for Fat People, Pants for Fat People! Put those down immediately! You'll get contaminated and ARGH! Run! Run far away! You really need to out them down! NOW!'

To all those out there...

Hello.

Hello to all you beautiful souls that are out there.

Hello to all those that are reading what I have to say, here in my little corner of the internet.

To those that have joined me recently, welcome, and while I know you guys came because of the nails, I’m hoping you’ll stick around for the rest of it as well.

While this blog has been rather nail heavy recently, it won’t be becoming a nail blog any time soon. This blog is a bit of an extension of my life, if all I’m showing is nails, it’s probably because I don’t have a lot else going on in my life at the moment. When that happens, my nail polish is my lifeline, it’s something to cling to while the rest of my life falls down in pieces around me. I delve a little more into that in this post.

But, for 3 days this past week, my nails were bare.

And that really showed how fall I’ve been falling.

Some Science Behind Eating Disorders

Hi lovelies,

Lately, I've been feeling rather misunderstood. I feel often that I'm not taken very seriously by both my family and many people that I know. Recently, my mental stability has been teetering on the balance between 'Mostly Sane' and 'Fairly Unstable'. I feel a lot of this has had to do with the fact that my illness's that I struggle with are being undermined in their seriousness. While depression and anxiety are not too badly covered in today's society (although no where near as well as I'd like them to be covered), eating disorders are often and very badly understood. So I decided to pull together a little of the information I've learnt through my struggle with anorexia and maybe help you guys understand a little of the science behind these eating disorders - the actual brain chemistry.

People are often under the impression that eating disorders are a choice. That we choose to restrict, to purge and to over-exercise in the pursuit of our ‘perfect’ body. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve heard anorexia be called the ‘Rich White Girl’s Disease’. Not because a high percentage of anorexia sufferers happen to be white females from developed countries, but because it’s seen as a choice – a way to seek attention and gain recognition in our world.

Depression and Anti-Depressants

Hi lovelies,

This post is going to be a hard one and one that you may not want to read about. In staying true to my policy of being truthful, I am going to be tackling the topic of my depression and namely, my methods of dealing with it. (On a sidenote, did you see my alliterations in that sentence? So many ‘t’s!).

Mental health is an interesting topic for me. It was never discussed inside my house, I never knew anyone that had an issue with mental health and all I knew about it was what they taught us in year 10 health. That’s was, until I was plunged head-long into it in yr 11, aged 16, with depression, anxiety and anorexia. I discuss my anorexia here and most of you probably know I’m in recovery from it. My anxiety is far milder than the others and generally only becomes bad when the others are also bad but my depression – that’s something I don’t mention much.

Dear Society Part 3

Hi everyone,

Okay, I swear this one is the last one. I fully intended this to be just one post, but it sort of spread out and out and out and suddenly, it was three! If you missed Part One and Two and you would like to read them, you can find them here and here. Oh, and remember, I’m not an expert in the field of eating disorders, nor do I claim any scientific backing behind my words. These are my words and my feelings on my personal experience.

***

Dear Society Part 2

Hi my lovelies

Here I am on my second half of my ‘Dear Society’ rant. If you missed the first part, you can find it here. Oh, and I'm not a expert and certainly don't claim to be one - these are things that are true and that I have learnt through my battle with an eating disorder.

***

Dear Society Part 1

Hey lovelies

I have another rant today. Sorry, but I’m just feeling really rant-y (is that even a word) and angry recently. Actually, life has just been really sucky recently and I’m having a bit of a hard time. Which pretty much makes it ‘let’s be angry at everything’ time. :)

***

Why I Paint My Nails

Hi lovelies

I’ve got a very long, long post and it’s a bit of a rant in some parts… Love to know what you guys think on the topic (comment box is just below!)

Being into manicures and nail painting and nail art is something that seems so superficial, isn’t it?

Think about it – it seems girly and frivolous. It’s just about the epitome of girliness. In generally, I don’t seem like a very girly-girl. I like the outdoors and I like nature. I like mud and the ocean surf. I think that hair-washing should be an option, not a necessity. I love my martial arts. I’m proud of my muscles and one of my greatest achievements in high school was beating my entire music class (consisting of mostly 17 year old boys) at arm wrestling. I don’t consider myself all that superficial. And yet, painting my nails is one of my favourite things to do.