Dear Society Part 1

Hey lovelies

I have another rant today. Sorry, but I’m just feeling really rant-y (is that even a word) and angry recently. Actually, life has just been really sucky recently and I’m having a bit of a hard time. Which pretty much makes it ‘let’s be angry at everything’ time. :)

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Dear society,

I’m sorry I’m who I am. I’m sorry I’m not perfect like you wanted me to be. I’m sorry I failed you. I really am. Because that’s really all I wanted. All I wanted was to be seen as worthwhile in your eyes. I promise.

I did try. I really, really did. God knows I tried. I gave up everything in my desire to be perfect for you. I sacrificed my energy, my time, my friends, my desire to live, my optimism, my social skills. In fact, I threw my whole life into trying to be perfect for you. I gave up food in my desire to be seen as beautiful in your eyes. I exercised incessantly in order to be seen as fit and acceptable. I was on my feet endlessly doing things for others so that you would see me as useful. I studied near constantly to be ‘good enough’ for you – but I never was.

I nearly died in my quest to please you. I just wanted to be beautiful and successful. And you taught me that in order to be that, I had to be thin.

And for a little while (just a tiny, tiny while), I was. I was commended, admired, praised. ‘She’s so thin…’ ‘Such high marks!’ ‘She is such a doll – is always doing things to help out.’

But only for a while. (And you should know – I never felt worthy. During that time, I was rock bottom. I’d never felt so worthless in my life). Then things spiralled downwards. I went too far. I was too thin. I worked too hard. I did too much for other people.

That’s when you turned away from me. I was suddenly shunned, ostracised. I wasn’t beautiful. I wasn’t thin – I was deathly skinny. I wasn’t successful. I was… (((((anorexic)))))… The word was whispered behind hands, discussed in private, mentioned only behind closed doors. I was worthless. That’s when your questions (((actually, they were accusations))) started.

How dare I choose this? How dare I be so selfish? So self-absorbed? Couldn’t I see what I was doing to other people? Did I even want to get better? According to you, I wasn’t sick. I just had the Rich White Girls ‘Disease’.

I was full of conflicting emotions. Where to go? What to do? How to deal? How did I fix myself? I turned to you again for advice ((when would I learn?)). You told me to eat, but not too much. You told me to treat myself, but not over-indulge. You told me to exercise again, because otherwise I’d get fat.

I tried. Once again, I put my faith in you. I believed that you knew what was best for me. ((stupid girl…)). I failed. I didn’t fit with what you wanted me to be. I gained weight, but it didn’t fix me. I got hungry, but it didn’t go away. I wanted help, but all you gave was a blind eye and a cold shoulder.

I thought I was a failure. I thought I was weak. I thought that I was wrong.

And I was wrong. I was wrong for believing in you. I was wrong for letting you dictate my life. I was wrong for trusting you. So this time, I turned the blind eye and cold shoulder. Or at least I tried to. It’s not easy to remove something that’s everywhere you go, to turn your back on the values of everyone you know. But I continue trying.

We don’t need someone like you. We need someone that understands us. We need someone to help us, not someone to help us hurt ourselves.

Sincerely,

Lissa Spelt, recovering anorexic