Why I Paint My Nails

Hi lovelies

I’ve got a very long, long post and it’s a bit of a rant in some parts… Love to know what you guys think on the topic (comment box is just below!)

Being into manicures and nail painting and nail art is something that seems so superficial, isn’t it?

Think about it – it seems girly and frivolous. It’s just about the epitome of girliness. In generally, I don’t seem like a very girly-girl. I like the outdoors and I like nature. I like mud and the ocean surf. I think that hair-washing should be an option, not a necessity. I love my martial arts. I’m proud of my muscles and one of my greatest achievements in high school was beating my entire music class (consisting of mostly 17 year old boys) at arm wrestling. I don’t consider myself all that superficial. And yet, painting my nails is one of my favourite things to do.

I love my nails. They are short and they split and break and my hands are nearly always disgusting and sweaty but my nails are beautiful. They are manicured and coloured and I am proud of them.

Why? Because they are the one thing I cling to when every else falls apart. My affair with my nails started when I was about 12. I loved nail polish. I could not leave the house without my nails painted. When I was 15 I went on a school tour to Europe and I hauled my 1.5kgs of nail polish with me.

But then, I hit 16 and something changed. Life became bleak and meaningless. It was hard enough to get out of bed in the morning, let alone do something as effort-requiring as paint my nails. As you probably know, if you’ve read my story, this was the time when I developed depression and anxiety, followed shortly by anorexia. I hated life. I didn’t want to be here.

Then, last holidays (about a month ago), I was on the internet and came across a nail blog (Chelsea’s Get Nailed – go check it out) and I was amazed and in awe of her beautiful nails. I had never seen anything so intricate and beautiful. They inspired me. I got out my polish, sorted through it, and started painting.

At first, it was excitement – the thrill of trying something new. Then it was pride – being able to create something pretty on my fingers. Then it became comfort – when all else failed, at least I had my nail polish. Now it’s reassurance – I know that I’m still in there. The real me, the real Lissa, is still alive, she’s just buried until layers of issues and sadness and guilt and terrible feelings. Whenever I look at my nails I see a message from myself, one that says, ‘You will get through this. You will survive. I believe in you.’

It hasn’t taken long for me to slip back into my old ways, not being able to leave the house without nail polish and the sight of my bare nails making me feel weird because they are so pale and naked. My family has started making comments again, ‘Doing your nails again? Didn’t you just do them like 3 days ago’, You know you don’t have to use up all that nail polish in 2 days right?’, ‘Do you have a nail polish for everyday of the week?’ – but I don’t care. I don’t do it for them. I do it for me. For my own sanity. They keep me sane. When all else fall to shit and I don’t feel like I can go on anymore, all I need to do is look at my nails and remember that these times will pass. However impossible it may seem at the time, it will pass. There will be another day, another morning and another nail design to try.

So no, nail art isn’t superficial. It’s a way to make yourself feel better. A way to help your self esteem and a way to keep myself from falling off the edge.

I’ve decided not to go to university next year, against what my dad wants me to do. I’m going to beauty school and I’m going to become a nail technician. A waste – that’s what my dad calls it. A waste of my high academic achievements. It’s worthless to fritter it away on something as ‘dumb’ as beauty school – after all, that’s where the blond, shallow, plastic bimbo’s go. That’s what he believes. But screw him. I’m going anyway, and I will meet beautiful, smart women who are following their dreams, perhaps against their families wishes too. I will learn to help people feel better about themselves, even if it’s only while the nail polish lasts, and if I can do that – who can ask for any better goal in life?

Lots of love to you all and sorry about the extremely long post. :)