About 2 months ago, I was just beginning my recovery. I had finally acknowledged that I had problems with eating and that if I didn’t do something, really bad things would happen. I was at my lowest.

I was at about 45.8kgs. Way too thin. And yet, one morning, in homeroom, one of my friends said to me ‘Lissa, I have to say – you are looking really thin and fabulous’.

This floored me. It really did. I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t even know what she meant. I had just come to believe that how I looked then was terrible – I knew this. I hadn’t washed my hair in about 2 weeks, it was falling out and was dull and lifeless, I had permanent black shadows under my eyes from never getting enough sleep, my lips were chapped and chalky and I had this terrible yellow complexion. But I was thin. Really thin. And I looked fabulous? Were the two connected? Did I look fabulous because I was thin? Was she saying that I was thin, and therefore fabulous? Was she simply stating that I obvious – that I was thin – and then also commenting that I was fabulous. Did she have to use it as justification – a way to prove that her claim (of me being fabulous) was real? That if she said that I was thin, a hard core fact and indisputable, then she is also qualified to say that I am fabulous, a subjective judgement? I honestly don’t know. I still don’t know what she meant by this comment.

I don’t think I’ll ever know. But I do know she was wrong. Well, half wrong. I was thin. Deathly thin. That was indisputable. But I was not fabulous. I was emaciated. I was wasting away. I was barely even alive. That’s not fabulous. That’s scary, painful and sad. That was me, when I was thin.

Don’t get caught up in what society says is good. At 45.8kgs, I was thin. That’s good, according to society. But that’s bad, according to my body. Thin is not for everyone. Thin is subjective. For me, thin is scary. It's bony limbs, bruises everywhere and it being too painful to sit on the floor because of having no butt. It's sunken eyes, bad breath and a constant empty feeling in my stomach. It's restricting at every meal, counting and compensating for every single calorie and never being able to eat what I want.

Thin is something I am never, ever going back to.

xxLissa

Oat Cups!

Hi hi hi!

I thought it’s high time that I got another post up – it’s been about a week, I think? Although it seems so much longer……

This week has not been one of my better ones… The pressure from school is driving me to breaking point, as is my hunger.

Communication with Ducks

Hi little lovelies.

How are you? I hope I find you all in good health and that you all had a lovely weekend. I went olive-picking with Freckles and Midget (my two youngest sisters), which was nice, although I am now very behind on my homework... :/

Other than that, I'm feeling a little flat, but my latest little creation (this picture) is helping me feel a little better. Both the rabbit and the duck were Easter presents and adorn my bed - well, when not participating in photo shoots or reading. :) Also, the Muppets... Nothing more to say. The Muppets soundtrack makes me feel better - that's what the quote is from, 'Life's a Happy Song' by the Muppets.

It's true - everything seems easier after it's been shared. Human beings are social creatures, we need the interaction. I just wish it was as easy for us (me especially) to put this theory into practice. I have an incredibly tough time talking to anyone because I'm so afraid I'm going to 'burden them' or that I 'm forcing myself on them and that they really couldn't care less about my problems and issues. Which is incredibly unreasonable, as I have been told many times, but the feeling persists...

Anyway, I guess that is something that I have to work on. Also, this post had nothing really whatsoever to do with communication with ducks, only that a duck was mentioned and the post was actually about communication and co-operation. I suppose I just liked the idea of communicating with ducks. :)

Bonus Question; Do you have trouble talking to people? Do you hold your emotions as close to yourself as I do? Or are you able just expand and let it all out? If you are one of those people, I admire you greatly... :)

xxLissa

Today, not so good...

Today, and yesterday I wasn’t doing so good. I’d felt so empowered earlier this week, and I was so ready to do something about my life. I was ready to take action to rid myself of my ED for once and for all.

But then, my momentum ran out. I crashed. I didn’t do so good yesterday and today. At first I didn’t notice. But then, I caught myself restricting again. I noticed that I began making excuses for why I shouldn’t be eating that much, or that I shouldn’t be eating again as I only ate 3 hours ago. And I was like, no. I am not going to let my depressed mood and my ED break this progress I’ve made. And that’s when I saw this picture (from here).

And it resonated with me. I cannot be making excuses. Or, more precisely, I cannot be letting my anorexia make excuses for me. No way. So, I’m back on track. Or at least much more back or track than I was this morning (seriously, I expected one small bowl of granola and yoghurt at 8:00 to sustain me until 12:30?). No way. Tonight, I had pizza – just to give my ED a kick up the backside as pizza was something I have feared for so long (that much carbs and fat (from the cheese)). Okay, sure, it was a wholemeal pizza with a ginormous amount of vegies, but it was still pizza.

And for that, I’m proud.

xxLissa

Cute Crochet Owls and a Couple of Musings

Do you ever find that your life is so hectic that when you finally get some time to do something for yourself, you don’t know what to do? Or is that just me? Either way, it’s something that is happening more and more to me, and it’s quite worrying. Because if I don’t know what I like to do anymore, who does?

So, last night I did have some time for myself. Just for myself. There literally was nothing else for me to do. Dinner had been made, my room was tidy and everyone was doing something for themselves. Well, except me. I was standing in the middle of the room, wringing my hands in desperation as I searched for something to do. Then I remembered a little wool project that I had tucked away months and months ago and had never touched again. So I dug it out, dusted it off and spent an hour with nothing but my wool and my hands. Wool craft is something I used to find incredibly therapeutic, as for me, it is only when my body is busy that my mind can relax, and I was pleased to find that crochet still has that same effect on me and that I hadn’t lost my skills in the 8 months since I had last touched my hooks.

Today, I ate...

Today I ate.

And that is the stand out point for me. I was hungry and so I ate. And do you know what? I didn’t think about it. Not one bit. Well, maybe a little. A little tiny bit of me screamed ‘you can’t eat all that food! You’re insane!’. But I didn’t listen to it. I said ‘Oh yeah… Well watch me’. And with every mouthful of my (deep breath) bananasmoothie,bowlofnuts,bagofpopcorn,steamedmushroombun,crackerswithpeanutbutterandbanana,chocolateslice,handfulofseeds,glassofmilk (phew….) I thought ‘I am taking care of my body. I am giving it the food it needs and the nourishment it requires. I am loving myself’. And you know what? This started off as just an afternoon snack. But I was so hungry. It was like an hour before dinner and I still had room for a good portion. And you know what? I felt fucking amazing! I felt liberated. I feel like I just won a battle. And you know what?  I did. I won. I beat that eating disorder. I said ‘Hah! I don’t need you. I am eating and it feels goooooooood!’

I love myself. I don’t care that it sounds pretentious. I really do. I feel fabulous. I feel amazing. I feel fantastic. I feel like a friggin’ goddess!

Remember: There is never such a thing as eating too much in recovery. Your body is screaming for help. It wants the food. Be kind to it. Love it. Nourish it. And friggin’ enjoy it. Enjoy every mouthful for what it is – one step any from death, from kidney failure, from osteoporosis and one step towards life. Glorious life. Wonderful life.

Eat gorgeous eat. You deserve it. Go, go go!

xxLissa

Some Gratitude and Peanut Butter

Hello lovelies!

 Did you know that today, something struck me? Something that I know, and that I try to tell myself everyday, and yet don’t really know. This morning, I was standing in the kitchen scarfing down my breakfast and it suddenly occurred to me how lucky I really am. My breakfast this morning consisted of banana and homemade peanut butter on homemade sourdough toast. For me, that’s everyday stuff and I take it for granted that my house will always be stocked with homemade bread and homemade peanut butter. For lunch, I had homemade marmalade and homemade yoghurt (obviously not together) and I know that if I want one, there is a homemade chocolate biscuit that Freckles (my second youngest sister) has made. For me, these occurrences are natural – it’s just a given of living in my house that you will never be short of things like this. And yet, for so many, homemade basics and indulgences are things of imagination, found in somebody else’s house – not theirs.

Apple Pie Slice

Tasty, warm, crumbly, sweet, delicious apple pie… But… In a handy, portable  slice form! Can you get any better? Well, maybe… But the point is, it’s pretty damn delicious. And, it’s waaaaaaay easier than actually making an apple pie – no making the stupid pastry, no waiting for the stupid pastry. As you can probably tell, pastry is not my favourite thing. Luckily, I’m not a particular fan of pies and pastry things in general, except for apple pie. Man… I love apple pie. Also, we had it hot with custard for dessert, which is delicious – but it is equally delicious cold with a hot cup of tea or coffee. Also, please excuse my slightly dodgy photography - it wasn't my best day, but I can't really be bothered to try again. Also, I mean, it gets the message across - it looks tasty, right?

Wholemeal Pumpkin Pancakes

Good morning my lovelies! How are you this morning? It is a dull, grey, drizzle-y day outside in Perth and I so naturally thought ‘Hmmmm… I think that today is a lovely morning to have pancakes.’ Even better, there was a ginormous bowl of pureed pumpkin in the fridge and so I went ‘Woohoo! Pumpkin pancakes for me!!!’. So, after a brief scour of the internet, I found a recipe for pumpkin pancakes that I tweaked, and they are delicious (if I do say so myself). This recipe makes enough for two, so looks like my sisters will be getting a treat when they come home from school today! :)

Chocolate-Chip Muesli Bars

So, this was a recipe for my sisters, not me. I’m not a big fan of the sweetness found in many muesli bars and as I general rule I try not to use butter – especially in things like muesli bars, as they have the connotations of being healthy, and for me, butter doesn’t really come under that heading. However, I was looking for something that struck a balance – something decent enough to satisfy my inner health Nazi and something treat-y enough to satisfy my little sisters. I came across this recipe and thought ‘yep, that’ll do it’. Chocolate, tick. Oats, tick. A little butter, tick. Rice bubbles to make it light and crispy, tick. And these didn’t disappoint. Well, except that they kind of fell apart… But, so far, every muesli bar recipe I’ve tried has fallen apart, so I think it’s just me. But aside from that, these didn’t disappoint (me). To be honest, I don’t even know whether they’ll last long enough for my sisters to see them – they turned out way more tasty than I expected… Also, feel free to substitute the chocolate chips for seeds, nuts and/or dried fruit if you want.