Thin

About 2 months ago, I was just beginning my recovery. I had finally acknowledged that I had problems with eating and that if I didn’t do something, really bad things would happen. I was at my lowest.

I was at about 45.8kgs. Way too thin. And yet, one morning, in homeroom, one of my friends said to me ‘Lissa, I have to say – you are looking really thin and fabulous’.

This floored me. It really did. I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t even know what she meant. I had just come to believe that how I looked then was terrible – I knew this. I hadn’t washed my hair in about 2 weeks, it was falling out and was dull and lifeless, I had permanent black shadows under my eyes from never getting enough sleep, my lips were chapped and chalky and I had this terrible yellow complexion. But I was thin. Really thin. And I looked fabulous? Were the two connected? Did I look fabulous because I was thin? Was she saying that I was thin, and therefore fabulous? Was she simply stating that I obvious – that I was thin – and then also commenting that I was fabulous. Did she have to use it as justification – a way to prove that her claim (of me being fabulous) was real? That if she said that I was thin, a hard core fact and indisputable, then she is also qualified to say that I am fabulous, a subjective judgement? I honestly don’t know. I still don’t know what she meant by this comment.

I don’t think I’ll ever know. But I do know she was wrong. Well, half wrong. I was thin. Deathly thin. That was indisputable. But I was not fabulous. I was emaciated. I was wasting away. I was barely even alive. That’s not fabulous. That’s scary, painful and sad. That was me, when I was thin.

Don’t get caught up in what society says is good. At 45.8kgs, I was thin. That’s good, according to society. But that’s bad, according to my body. Thin is not for everyone. Thin is subjective. For me, thin is scary. It's bony limbs, bruises everywhere and it being too painful to sit on the floor because of having no butt. It's sunken eyes, bad breath and a constant empty feeling in my stomach. It's restricting at every meal, counting and compensating for every single calorie and never being able to eat what I want.

Thin is something I am never, ever going back to.

xxLissa